Its been a rough road. I'm on the verge of collapse, my body and mind are screaming for a reprieve from the agony, the pain, the restless and sleepless nights. I know something will eventually snap and I only hope its not my sanity. The States bind me no longer, theres nothing for me. Last week I took a final trip to the cemetary and burned my old journal over my parents grave symbolizing that I was starting over. But starting what over? Everything is still the same and I'm still as blind to the truth as I ever was. If i'm stricken with this curse doesn't it hold reason that there might be at least one other out there who can at least have a vague idea of the agony of each day?

I'm rambling again, I've arrived here in Europe. I've never been here before so its really an eye opener, there's so much here, so many good things that I see. Yet, there's an undertone of bad... but then again there is always an undertone of bad. I purchased a small Flat on the edge of the hustle and bustle of city life, its nothing big or flashy. I do not want people knowing what my financial situation is by purchasing something as big as the castles I've seen. I just want to blend in here and be forgotten. I want to be at peace, I want this struggle to end, yet I do not have the courage of my conviction and I know I will not end it. I cannot end it, something calls to me telling me it is not my time yet. There are still things here for me to do. There has to be some reason that this curse was put on me. There has to be some reason why I cannot even pick up a beer stein without gloves without suddenly being somewhere else for the blink of an eye. Some reason why the items I touch speak to me, not in words but in visions. Some damn reason why a simple touch to me by someone else sends horrendous visions of greed, evil, lust... sometimes there is happiness there, but I've learned quickly that most people, the majority of the population is instilled with a dark so deep in the pits of their souls, it so much a part of them that they are unaware it even lurks there, waiting for the chance to  pounce a moments weakness to take control for a short while.

People wonder why murders occur, why riots erupt. I know why.... the evil in each of us grows and grows as we feed it until it is so big we cannot contain it. It erupts out of us in a moment of weakness, leaving an emptiness in its wake that we quickly begin refilling with evil. I have seen evil, I have been in its presence and seen its deeds. A simple bump into me and the evil is visible for a split second, long enough for me to know its there, I see what it has done. There are of course exceptions, creatures... that are not breathing, creatures that are both human and animal (werewolves)... yet live. I had the misfortune of bumping into one of these vampires at a club in my youth. The flash of fangs and blood toppled me off my chair because of its unexpectedness. I've learn to contain myself, so that no one is any wiser when I've seen something, one must do what they can so that they survive, live another damned day.

My Mother used to say that every dark day has a ray of light that parts the clouds. I am still looking for my ray of light to pierce this shade of confusion, fear and anxiety. Someone to part these damn clouds that threaten to suffocate me. I still hold hope I will someday find it, but each year, each new place with no new enlightenment causes that hope to fade and tarnish.

I wasn't always this much of a pessimist, I used to believe that someday the reason for everything I have gone through will show itself. The true cause for all my suffering will show me the path I'm meant to go down. Guide me.... I think that is the main thing, all I want, no all I need and crave is someone to guide me the way my parents and all the doctors never could. A companion. Someone to tell me that this isn't something that I have to endure alone... what a joke though. How could I find a companion when I can not even bring myself to touch or be touched. No, that is not something I can hold hope for... its nearly 4 am now, I've been up three days now, I think it will be at least another two before the exhaustion takes me and plummets me into a deep agonizing sleep. And the dreams, nightmares rather, they are still there at the beckon call of my sleeping mind. I can see my parents being murdered, my Father trying to protect my Mother from the robbers and being shot eight times because of it, my Mother's scream, her shrieking as she fell onto Father trying to beg him to be alright, to not leave her. The robbers angered by her screaming move up behind her and one shot to the back of her head is all that is needed to send her down on top of my Father. They are both unmoving, dead eyes locked on each other in a lovers death embrace. I have never read the police report, nor have I allowed myself to watch the news or read the papers from that day. I know nothing of the crime, yet I can reinact it with unfortunately perfect clarity. If I were to get a paper and read about the murder I can guarantee it will have occured exact as I said, I know that and I can say that with 100% confidence. Its just one of those things, a part of the curse, one of the things that goes along with being "different"...

Have you ever sat and just watched, I don't mean staring at something I mean truely watching, observing people. I do it often, I am not part of society, I am on its fringes looking in at it so it makes it easier to just step back and watch. You can learn alot from a person based on how they carry themself. The insecurity that comes with crossing your hands in front of your belt. The struggle for dominance that can occur with the simple position of a handshake. The stubborness of someone sitting at a table and listening with their arms crossed "protecting" themself from the things they do not want to hear. Its a parlor trick to read someone like that, though most cannot do it. People are too busy and constantly on the move so much that they miss the telltale signs that come from everyday interaction. They don't realize that the fake smile of interest is betrayed by their tapping foot. They don't realize that the lies they tell are given away by the slightest crease in their forehead that forms as they lift a hand to cover there mouth as if wiping something off of it. Its amazing what you can learn just from watching people. I am a observer of life. At least that's the kind term I've given to being completly anti-social.

I'll admit it hurts me mentally and emotionally. You have no idea how much I crave at times to be part of that laughing crowd. How much it pains me to not be able to share a warm embrace. How painful it becomes watching a happy couple holding hands and sharing secrets. Bitter? No, I don't consider myself bitter as much as I am angry. Not at the people who share those things but at myself for being unable to. I often withdraw into a fantasy world where I have a large group of friends who travel with me, one of them, a female with lovely dark hair which glows in the sunlight is my intimate friend. We share everything including ourselves. She is my companion, my confidant, my whole life. Yes, yes I know its pathetic, I'm ashamed to even do such a thing but at times it makes the days easier to cope with, pretending I do have someone to come home to....

I would give my entire estate for a single moment of true love and caring, a single moment of perfect clarity as to who I am and what I am here for. I would give away every last one of my possessions to experience the intimacy of sex  with a caring partner, someone who truely enjoys me there with them, possibly even loves me. I would give my life for it....