The flight was long, but for the first time as I felt the plane leave the ground and climb into the sky I had felt like maybe things might get better. When it touched down in London hours later, I felt lost all over again. Overwhelmed before I even got off the plane. Why didn't I just go to another state instead out of the country? I wanted at least an ocean seperating me from that life. Now, it does and everything I ever knew is on the other side.
The Lonsdale hotel is a dive. It's nasty, and for someone that's done time that's saying something. It's affordable though and the guy at the desk is pretty laid back. I paid up front for a month. He was pretty jacked about that, grumbling about 'boys' not paying up. Not real sure what he meant by 'boys' but he gave me leering grin and I let it go. I had some misconception about London, out of the states over all I guess. There are enough of different people to not feel like the people are gonna stare at the 'american' like they are waiting for me to do something stupid. If they only knew the truth right?
I got enough money to get by for a while, if I watch it. There are a lot of flyers looking for singers, guitarists, drummers everywhere. Not picked up the guitar in a couple of years. Afraid the strings would be used to kill someone or myself I guess. Among other things. I've written though. Thick notebook full of stuff. It's raining, depressing as ****ing hell. Makes me just want to roll over and go back to sleep. Think I will. At least until tonight. The guy at the desk said there were some places pretty 'IN' with 'my kind'. Whatever right?
God this hotel room stinks. Watched a huge ass roach go running across the floor. Not eating that cold pizza for **** now. The guitar I picked up is used,cheap.. but it feels good to be playing again. The club I hit last night, I hung out to hear the band play and had a few drinks. They were good & it made me miss nights like that all over again. I answered a few ads for singers and started looking for a job. It's a start. I called my mom, she worries about me. She worries about everything and I'm sorry for that. I promised and I kept it. She wanted to know if I was okay. I lied. She probably knew it, but sometimes it's easier to lie.
It's been a crazy ride this last week. Jason got us hooked up with some good stuff after a gig the first night. We ended up crashing at dawn the next day, staying up jamming together..snorting the money we'd made away.It felt good to ****ing escape for a while. I've met a couple of people other than the guys in the band. A chick named Chris..she is touring, something..I havent heard her stuff. Guess she's good though she got us hooked up with some tequila..we hung out in the hot tub..in some ****ing spa. She's seems pretty cool though until she touched me. Not sure what was up with that. Met..Serena, she's pretty cool too. Went back to that club, saw the woman but I didn't do anything but watch while I drank. She was with someone and as ballsy as I was that first night..I am not always that way. Sometimes I go back to being like I was. Looking for somewhere in the shadows. I don't know, guess some things will always be with me. Jason asked me about some of it..I told him a little. Just not ready for anyone to know what went on. What still is with me. What I am I guess. I don't know. Sometimes ****'s forced on you and you wonder if it's really who you are after all. The band is good, they said their singer got married and gave it up because his girl didn't like him doing it anymore..bad for him, good for me. We got a steady string of gigs at a couple different places. Talk about ****ing nerves. I felt like I was going to puke until a few minutes into it. Then it was almost like old times. I forgot..no, I didn't forget..how much I missed it. Tonight, I got out after and headed off in the rain. Sometimes I just need to walk you know..even after the show. There were three bands tonight, it was pretty late and I was starving. It was raining like crazy. Ducked into this cafe, Jezabel was in front of me. Federal****ingMarshalJezabel. Turns out so far, she's pretty nice. Bought me some food..gave me her jacket to wear. She asked me a few questions..nothing too personal. I asked her some..just kind of talking when she offered me a ride to the Lonsdale where I'm staying. She hadn't been who she is..and the Lonsdale not such a ****ing dive..and the stash of **** in my bag, I would have invited her in. **** knows I wouldn't have minded the company.
